made it through a rough night

Chemo number four wasn’t a breeze, but I’m thankful I made it through. Everything was fine during chemo and even on the ride home. However my mom said I came home looking a little green. πŸ˜‰ I took meds to keep from getting sick, but they didn’t seem to help this time. So, I didn’t make it through sick-free, but last night I slept great and feel so much better today. I’m not sure what made this one so different from the other ones, but these things happen.

The exciting mile-marker with chemo four is that I get to have a scan on June 14! Yay! And even before that I have some fun things to look forward to. My mom and I are going on a girls getaway for a few days and my friend Tra’Cee is coming to visit after that. She even gets to accompany me
(who will probably be grouchy because I can’t eat until afterward) to my exciting scan at 7 a.m. What a friend! πŸ˜‰

what brings the tears
This past week has been one of tears. Not all tears because of sadness, but just ways I’ve been moved emotionally:

May 25 was a significant day in my planner. Notice I say “my planner.” This past January while in Vienna, I had jotted down that this would be my goal for departing. I guess when this date arrived yesterday and I was at the oncologist instead of on an airplane it was a bit emotional for me.

But this isn’t the only tear-jerking moment I’ve had recently. I’ve found myself moved to tears in so many ways. On Sunday I went to see the musical Wicked for the first time. The song “Defying Gravity” blew me away. The lyrics, “I’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game . . .Together we’re unlimited; Together we’ll be the greatest team; There’s ever been; Dreams, the way we planned ’em; If we work in tandem; There’s no fight we cannot win . . .” Don’t you love the tandem reference!

That same night I went to Collide (youth group). When I walked in the door, Cody, the youth pastor, asked me to share a little of my story to set up moments of silence and communion. Um, I’m not much of an impromptu speaker. I guess as a writer I like to know where I’ve been and where I’m going when I’m speaking . . . and good transitions. ha! Well, I didn’t have much time for that kind of prep. But God likes us best in those weak and unprepared moments. Go God! After dismissing the students to go throughout the room and sit in silence with communion, I sensed in that silence such a powerful outpouring of God’s presence in that room. Again . . . tears.

looking for some intimacy
Tears make me think vulnerability, passion and somehow being so close to God’s heart. There has been this stirring in my heart about intimacy with God. For me this portion of the journey hasn’t been a spiritual mountain-top experience. It’s been a sustaining, step-by-step journey among a rough landscape. But I think sometimes the mountains don’t give us the everyday intimacy He wants us to learn. The mountains give us some amazing “aha!” moments or views of grandeur and power. But the rough terrain gives us times to cry out, to strip down of everything we’ve known of what relationship with Christ looks like, and again learn how to walk with Him.

I’ve been reading this book called “Breaking the Rules” by Fil Anderson. Here are some thoughts that have intrigued me, “What difference would it make if there were a radical and ongoing shift within your soul’s operational system β€” a shift away from the frantic striving to achieve intimacy with God toward simply opening yourself to receive God’s gift of intimacy? The changes would be considerable if your attention shifted away from what you feel you must do to what God has already accomplished.” I don’t know if that sinks into your heart, but as a do-er and performer it hits home for me. Right now I’ve had to let go of a lot of my normal “doing.” I’m slowly learning who God wants me to be and that His love envelops all that He has created me to be regardless of any of my “doing.”

Let me encourage you to download “Hosanna” by Hillsong United. I wish I could transport my photographer friend Danielle, who sang this song on Sunday night so completely fueled from God, so you could hear what I heard. Again . . . moved by God to tears.

Here are some of the lyrics and a link to it on Amazon:

4 thoughts on “made it through a rough night

  1. About mountain top view – we all enjoy them and the higher and the farther we can see the more spectacular. However, on the highest mountain tops – nothing grows. We too, while we yearn to see God's big picture and see how everything fits together – have to be willing to live below the mountain top view in order to grow. Hang in there! Revel in those moments when you can feel His Presence.

  2. Krishana,

    You inspire! As I read your post, I can see that you are allowing God to happen wherever you are. He will honor that. Even though this week you were suppose to be far away, HE has you here for HIS purpose. You are living below the mountain top view and the main thing is LIVING. You are allowing God to work through you even though it isn't where you would choose to be. He loves you and will bless you for your loving, outspoken obedience to HIM. Seek HIM daily for HE will sustain you! Thank you for being so brave and strong. Love, Tammy

  3. Found your blog today through Natalie Lloyd- fervently praying that God will reveal His awesome and utterly amazing faithfulness to you in so many, many ways. He is SO good.

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