draw close to Me

“Come close to God and He will come close to you. . . .” (James 4:8). These are the words that have come to mind again and again and again these last few months. So gentle. So calming. So reassuring. And now I think, it was almost as if He was saying to me, “Come here. You’re gonna want to be right here so close and in My arms in the days coming up.”

On August 23 I had a CT scan and just this past week was told that I have multiple spots in my body that have enlarged lymph nodes. We’re not sure yet if this is a lymphoma relapse. I always knew with the type of cancer (Follicular Lymphoma) I was diagnosed with in 2010 that there was a possibility of a relapse. We just weren’t sure when/if that would happen.

Yesterday I met for the second time this week with my oncologist. He had met on Thursday evening with three different radiologists at that particular hospital to review my recent CT scan and compare it to one I had last November. Both of these CT scans were outsourced to another clinic, which is at the mall here in Vienna. I know, that sounds hilarious!! I can literally go get a scan and then go to Cinnabon!!

When you’re only looking at my most recent scan you would say that my lymph nodes aren’t that enlarged, probably wouldn’t be a red flag if I didn’t have the history that I do. However when you look at them in comparison to November you can see a remarkable difference. My spleen is normal, which is an organ that was extremely enlarged the first time around. However there are three abdomen spots that could be lymph tissue, fatty tissue, I even thought scar tissue from my gallbladder surgery, but we’re not sure yet what those spots are. I went into that appointment with my oncologist on Saturday with only having a PET scan on Thursday, and left with three appointments.

I have one tomorrow at 4:30 a.m. Eastern US time to check my blood again and to have an ultrasound of these spots in my abdomen. On Thursday I have a PET scan (2:30 a.m. Eastern US time) and Friday morning (2:00 a.m. Eastern US time) I meet with my oncologist again to talk through what we will then know after these tests and where to go from here. I’ll definitely keep you posted.

I didn’t really anticipate having three appointments this week when I planned my schedule. It’s like I’m still trying to live this other life on top of medical stuff. Things are now in full Fall swing here in Austria. Please pray regarding that, in how to prioritize.

Pray also for wisdom, for all the medical people involved here in Vienna and for me as I have to make decisions with each next step. It can all be very overwhelming, but with God’s help trying to take one step at a time and not jump ahead of His pace. Pray for me and my family, as it is soooo hard to be so far away right now, and feels like re-living a bad dream. I know they want to see me and hug me as much as I want to see them and hug them. It’s just hard. Pray for clarity this week, I still don’t have a lot of answers and don’t know what will really happen next, but desire your prayers. Thank you for joining me in this journey.

I know my God is greater than all of this cancer/medical yuck! But I also know that sometimes He has even something greater to do and share and BE in the middle of the yuck. While I dread the yuck, have cried about the yuck and don’t understand the yuck, I choose to not allow the yuck to keep me from drawing close to Him, curling up in His lap and allowing Him to hold me right now with all of my questions and tears. I’m safe in His arms! Here’s a song that meant a lot to me the first time I went through this cancer journey:

http://youtu.be/ciW8r-5kCDY

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9 thoughts on “draw close to Me

  1. Praying for the Father's peace to guard your heart this week (Phil. 4:7). Praying for faith and a greater revelation of His goodness and grace and overwhelming faithfulness in your life. Praying, praying, praying that He will draw you close and fill you up.

    Love from Chapel Hill, NC!

  2. You inspire me like crazy. Count on me to pray for you daily, every single time your face pops into my mind. Thanks for letting God's love shine through you so hard. You are lion-hearted. Keep me updated!!

  3. Hey there!
    Just wanted to stop by and let you know that I'm praying for you as you walk through the things that have been set before you. I prayed for God to send someone your way to love on you and encourage you. So heads up on that, our God answers prayer 🙂
    In case you're wondering who I am, hi! I'm Sara. Natalie Lloyd mentioned briefly on her blog that you were dealing with some medical tests and whatnot this week. As your sister in Christ, I couldn't ignore her request for her readers to pray for you.
    That being said, know that there are prayers for you being said in New Mexico! And also, can't wait to meet you in heaven someday!

    Sara

  4. Hey Krishana! I came here from Natalie's blog wanted you to know that I am soo praying for you. Keep up your braveness and your full-of-faith-ness and your inpsiring-ness. God does have something beyond-crazy-awesome planned for His princess (you!) in all this yuckness.
    Love,
    ~Michaela 🙂

  5. Im praying for you. I know God loves you and has nothing but the best in store for you. The yuckness can hurt but God will be with you through the hurt and in the end make your heart fuller and you braver. God bless! : )

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