“Come close to God and He will come close to you. . . .” (James 4:8). These are the words that have come to mind again and again and again these last few months. So gentle. So calming. So reassuring. And now I think, it was almost as if He was saying to me, “Come here. You’re gonna want to be right here so close and in My arms in the days coming up.”

On August 23 I had a CT scan and just this past week was told that I have multiple spots in my body that have enlarged lymph nodes. We’re not sure yet if this is a lymphoma relapse. I always knew with the type of cancer (Follicular Lymphoma) I was diagnosed with in 2010 that there was a possibility of a relapse. We just weren’t sure when/if that would happen.

Yesterday I met for the second time this week with my oncologist. He had met on Thursday evening with three different radiologists at that particular hospital to review my recent CT scan and compare it to one I had last November. Both of these CT scans were outsourced to another clinic, which is at the mall here in Vienna. I know, that sounds hilarious!! I can literally go get a scan and then go to Cinnabon!!

When you’re only looking at my most recent scan you would say that my lymph nodes aren’t that enlarged, probably wouldn’t be a red flag if I didn’t have the history that I do. However when you look at them in comparison to November you can see a remarkable difference. My spleen is normal, which is an organ that was extremely enlarged the first time around. However there are three abdomen spots that could be lymph tissue, fatty tissue, I even thought scar tissue from my gallbladder surgery, but we’re not sure yet what those spots are. I went into that appointment with my oncologist on Saturday with only having a PET scan on Thursday, and left with three appointments.

I have one tomorrow at 4:30 a.m. Eastern US time to check my blood again and to have an ultrasound of these spots in my abdomen. On Thursday I have a PET scan (2:30 a.m. Eastern US time) and Friday morning (2:00 a.m. Eastern US time) I meet with my oncologist again to talk through what we will then know after these tests and where to go from here. I’ll definitely keep you posted.

I didn’t really anticipate having three appointments this week when I planned my schedule. It’s like I’m still trying to live this other life on top of medical stuff. Things are now in full Fall swing here in Austria. Please pray regarding that, in how to prioritize.

Pray also for wisdom, for all the medical people involved here in Vienna and for me as I have to make decisions with each next step. It can all be very overwhelming, but with God’s help trying to take one step at a time and not jump ahead of His pace. Pray for me and my family, as it is soooo hard to be so far away right now, and feels like re-living a bad dream. I know they want to see me and hug me as much as I want to see them and hug them. It’s just hard. Pray for clarity this week, I still don’t have a lot of answers and don’t know what will really happen next, but desire your prayers. Thank you for joining me in this journey.

I know my God is greater than all of this cancer/medical yuck! But I also know that sometimes He has even something greater to do and share and BE in the middle of the yuck. While I dread the yuck, have cried about the yuck and don’t understand the yuck, I choose to not allow the yuck to keep me from drawing close to Him, curling up in His lap and allowing Him to hold me right now with all of my questions and tears. I’m safe in His arms! Here’s a song that meant a lot to me the first time I went through this cancer journey:

http://youtu.be/ciW8r-5kCDY

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