Monday and Tuesday (Jan. 14-15) I’ll begin my fifth chemo treatment. I met with my oncologist last week, and found out that the next two chemos are still necessary in order to make sure the cancer is as gone as it possibly could be. Unfortunately with Follicular Lymphoma this disease is very treatable, but not curable. What does that mean? It stays dormant in my body, even after a clear scan. The question is not necessarily if it will come back, but when.
I have to take this into consideration even with a clear scan. On January 31 I’ll meet with a colleague of my oncologist to talk about a possible bone marrow/stem cell transplant. This might be the next step in getting as close to a cure as possible. However this next step will be intense involving 4-6 weeks in a hospital and approximately a year for full recovery. I’ll find out more details and be able to answer more questions after this appointment.
Romans 12:1-2 (NLT) keeps coming to mind: “And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all He has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind He will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. 2 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.”
When I think about approaching something like a bone marrow transplant I tear up because I’m so tired from this journey — physically, emotionally, mentally, even spiritually. I really need to lay myself on the altar and ask Him to even give me strength to say Your will, not mine, when I really just want to have “my life” back. Pray that God would give me wisdom and strength. Pray that He would transplant my heart which is so self-consumed, prideful, full of self-pity, jealousy, and wanting control so desperately, for a heart that looks more like His heart. Pray that He would transform me, especially in the way I think about every piece and step of this adventure. Pray that I would choose Him over my emotions, focusing on circumstances, etc. And that somehow even going through a bone marrow transplant can bring worship and glory to Him. Not sure what that will look like, but know that He can accomplish just that if He desires.
Here’s a song that sings desperation and expresses some of what I feel. This is “Need You Now” by Plumb:
May we continue crying out to Him Who longs for us to come to Him with our desperation.