I found a deal on this formal dress a few years ago. I bought it thinking I’d use it the following January to wear to one of the many balls hosted in Vienna. Friends of mine had attended a ball at the Hofburg Palace, and we’d talked about attending a future one together. They used to compete in ballroom dancing. Oh, what a joy it would be to see them dance at the ball! The hope of attending a ball in Vienna made me giddy.
Then harsh reality hit when cancer returned (excerpts from my journal):
8-27-2012: Heavenly Daddy, I come to you with a heavy heart. From what I can read and understand on this CT scan (which was in German), there are suspicious spots under my arms and in my abdomen. I know I shouldn’t jump to conclusions until I’ve talked with a doctor. This verse comes to mind, “You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in You, all whose thoughts are fixed on you” (Isaiah 26:3). I come to You. I lay myself before you.
8-28-2012: Heavenly Daddy, You go with me in every part of today. “Don’t be afraid for I AM with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I AM your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand” (Isaiah 41:10). Thank You for holding my hand. Give me Your wisdom. Give me Your strength.
8-29-2012: Heavenly Daddy, my back hurts. I’m not sure if it’s stress from so many trips this summer, stress or what. I want to fight this with You! I need Your wisdom. I can’t imagine going through full-chemo by myself here in Vienna. I pray you would shrink those lymph nodes back to normal size, but I know ultimately You have a story to tell. I pray You would be glorified.
9-4-2012: Heavenly Daddy, meet me right here. This is like reliving a bad dream. I have to live in today. I can’t jump ahead too far because it’s too overwhelming. Help me.
9-11-2012: Heavenly Daddy, yesterday there was something so comforting about saying to myself, Okay, just get through this week of medical tests and then you’re finished. Then you can go home, Krishana. This is so stressful. Thank You for that comfort. It’s like a hug to me. You’re saying, It’s going to be okay. I don’t know how it will all turn out, but I know You know. You are God alone! You know what I need today.
9-19-2012: Heavenly Daddy, a question a friend asked me keeps coming to mind, How can You use my tears for healing in other people’s lives? Prepare me for the battle today. I don’t know what the next six months or beyond will look like, but I don’t need to know right now. “But forget all that — it is nothing compared to what I’m going to do. For I AM about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland” (Isaiah 43:18-19).
Now, three years later, God reminded me of the ball gown hanging in my closet. He reminded me of these specific weeks right before I left Vienna to come back to the United States. He reminded me of the excitement I had as I geared up for fall. The schedule I had planned, the opportunity to spread my wings and fly a little more in the language and culture of Vienna. I was giddy, like a lady preparing to attend an exciting ball at the palace.
This week I’m giddy. God has provided direction and opportunity for a job. He’s provided flexibility in my schedule and the medical insurance I need. HE’s provided conversations about sharing my story through a book. HE’s provided opportunities to do what I love. HE’s provided the ball. I’m overwhelmed with His provision. Teary-eyed, I see HE’s inviting me to dance with Him through this “something new” season. I’m excited. I’m giddy. I’m humbled. Praise Him!!
Heavenly Daddy, help me to take You at Your Word. Thank You for Your faithfulness through harsh reality. Thank You for ball gowns and the rhythms of Your Grace. Thank You for helping me keep in step with where You’re leading. Help me to follow. I love You!
How have you experienced God’s faithfulness in the midst of harsh reality? How does HE remind you to hold His hand and hang on to Him? Where is He bringing you into a new season with Him?
I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Have a great week!